Light Lover or Darkness Dweller

Scripture: 1 John 1: 5-10- "Walking in the Light"

 I like the darkness a lot more than I care to admit. I am hidden, seemingly unknown, and comfortable. I exist under the illusion that what I do doesn't affect anyone else and that I can "help myself".

If I say I love God and want fellowship with him, that requires illumination on the darkness of my heart. Light must penetrate and reveal just how deep my darkness goes; because no one knows the depth of darkness when they are in it. It's just all they know. A part of me is fearful of light shining on me because of the shame and guilt I hold onto. I let my past linger ever close to me and identify myself with what I've done and not Whose I am.

I am far more dark than I care to admit, but my Father is Light. He is the source of truth, righteousness, healing, and forgiveness. He is the fountainhead of salvation; I must admit that I CAN'T save myself.

I know I need a Savior, but so much of my life is a struggle of trying to save myself instead of resting in a God who has already done it. It is so hard for me to admit I need anything; I hate asking for help, and one of my worst fears is being the 'weak link'.

Father,

Please forgive my prideful and calloused heart. I am tired of dwelling in darkness. You alone are the Light. Not a reflection of it, but Light itself. Illuminate the dark corners of my heart, Father. Reveal to me the wickedness of my ways. I want to be someone you are proud of. I am not satisfied being anyone else's. Thank you for the gift of the Holy Spirit and conviction. Thank you for your mercy and forgiveness. Thank you for grace, grace when I don't deserve it. Grace when I rebel against it. Thank you for being relentless. Break my heart for you, Father. Give me patience to love those that I don't want to; because you first loved me. Thank you for being my perfect Savior and the fountain of truth, life and peace. I give this day to you, calm my anxious heart. I know you have a plan for me but I am struggling to find a balance of doing too much vs. trusting you. I don't want to be passive in this.

Forgive me for my dishonesty and deceit. I still harbor so much self hate and guilt, I let it manifest itself in unhealthy ways rather than immediately turning to you for repentance. I know you have already seen it, but I am still so shameful. Thank you for loving me anyway, speak that to my heart God. I need to know you love ME. I trust that you are truth, life, and the source of healing. I pray expectantly for what you are going to accomplish.

I love you, I am yours.
L