Southern Girl, Big City

So I am breaking my 2 month blog hiatus to chronicle my summer in New York City.. I still walk too slow, saw y'all too much, and am 99% certain I could have a solid career as a professional people watcher.

Rewind:
Friday: My mom and I arrived in NYC around lunch time and hit the ground running (in the wrong shoes of course). Neither one of us have been to the Freedom Tower downtown so we figured we'd make an afternoon of trying to navigate the subway(side note: first time using public transportation DONE) and travelled across the river to hang in Manhattan for the afternoon. We walked, and walked, and walked some more, finishing our day with Sangria and delicious bread in Greenwich Village. She is simply THE best and I so enjoyed our sweet( and too short) time together.

Saturday: We woke up bright and early, got some yummy breakfast a la an authentic bakery/bagel shop in Brooklyn Heights. I am so spoiled now. Panera, step it up. We moved in my 3 suitcases and UPS box to my room and proceeded to dominate Target, I'm working on being a minimalist... Saturday afternoon we did a personal walking tour of Brooklyn and met my extended family who live in Boerum Hill (Brooklyn). They have a BEAUTIFUL townhome, two precious boys, and essentially my dream life. Later on, we freshened up, headed to Manhattan and had another wine/appetizer night before failing trying to see Jersey Boys last minute. No luck here. We did, however, walk to Rockefeller Plaza, do some touristy thangs, and successfully negotiate public transportation (MTA).

PROUD of myself. No anxiety attacks on the subway and I've met some pretttyyy awesome people. Much more to come, but I've got an EARLY morning and I was at the hospital at 730 this morning.

Until then,
L

Head vs. Heart

To say this past semester has been hard would be an understatement of the highest order; I feel like I have come so far but yet backslid so much.. back into darkness, slavery, isolation, and shame. In the midst of trial, when my faith was tested, instead of crying out "Abba! Father! Help my unbelief"; I fled to the captivity of self-reliance, falsely believing I could save myself. Right back into the vicious cycle of work, do, try, push, accomplish, when all the while the banner of the cross screams DONE! 

I have an advocate, a perfect Savior and God who joyfully sent his son for me in the midst of my depravity to redeem me and relinquish me from the burden of striving. I know the truth, and I want the truth to set me free, but I still struggle so much with letting my head dictate what my heart believes...

I say, "I am broken"

You say, "You are repaired"

I say, "I am stupid"

You say, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made" 

I say, "I am worthless"

You say, "You are worthy"

I say, "I am alone"

You say, "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you" 

I say, "I am anxious"

You say, "Be anxious for nothing..."

I say, "I am afraid"

You say, "My perfect Love casts out fear"

I say, " I am burdened"

You say, "I will give you rest"

I say, "I feel trapped"

You say, "You are FREE indeed"

I say, "I feel so faithless"

You say, "I first loved you, faith is not based on feeling. Trust and obey"

Light Lover or Darkness Dweller

Scripture: 1 John 1: 5-10- "Walking in the Light"

 I like the darkness a lot more than I care to admit. I am hidden, seemingly unknown, and comfortable. I exist under the illusion that what I do doesn't affect anyone else and that I can "help myself".

If I say I love God and want fellowship with him, that requires illumination on the darkness of my heart. Light must penetrate and reveal just how deep my darkness goes; because no one knows the depth of darkness when they are in it. It's just all they know. A part of me is fearful of light shining on me because of the shame and guilt I hold onto. I let my past linger ever close to me and identify myself with what I've done and not Whose I am.

I am far more dark than I care to admit, but my Father is Light. He is the source of truth, righteousness, healing, and forgiveness. He is the fountainhead of salvation; I must admit that I CAN'T save myself.

I know I need a Savior, but so much of my life is a struggle of trying to save myself instead of resting in a God who has already done it. It is so hard for me to admit I need anything; I hate asking for help, and one of my worst fears is being the 'weak link'.

Father,

Please forgive my prideful and calloused heart. I am tired of dwelling in darkness. You alone are the Light. Not a reflection of it, but Light itself. Illuminate the dark corners of my heart, Father. Reveal to me the wickedness of my ways. I want to be someone you are proud of. I am not satisfied being anyone else's. Thank you for the gift of the Holy Spirit and conviction. Thank you for your mercy and forgiveness. Thank you for grace, grace when I don't deserve it. Grace when I rebel against it. Thank you for being relentless. Break my heart for you, Father. Give me patience to love those that I don't want to; because you first loved me. Thank you for being my perfect Savior and the fountain of truth, life and peace. I give this day to you, calm my anxious heart. I know you have a plan for me but I am struggling to find a balance of doing too much vs. trusting you. I don't want to be passive in this.

Forgive me for my dishonesty and deceit. I still harbor so much self hate and guilt, I let it manifest itself in unhealthy ways rather than immediately turning to you for repentance. I know you have already seen it, but I am still so shameful. Thank you for loving me anyway, speak that to my heart God. I need to know you love ME. I trust that you are truth, life, and the source of healing. I pray expectantly for what you are going to accomplish.

I love you, I am yours.
L

If the Lord can use a prostitute..

I have been working my way through the book Mended by Angie Smith and so far I HIGHLY recommend it. Literally every chapter has me either wanting to cry or rejoice (sometimes both).

One of chapters I read most recently centered around Rahab, a prostitute (check out Joshua 2 for the whole story). Long story short, spies who were coming into Canaan stayed at her home and she protected them from the king of Jericho. She hid the men under stalks of flask and told the men she believed in God more than she feared for her own life (Josh. 2:11). In exchange for protection for her family, she gave them shelter until they left Canaan. To protect her family, the spies told her to hang a scarlet cord out her window to signify that their home should be spared from the invasion. This symbol was so powerful because it symbolized the blood of Christ(much like the passover in Egypt).

Overall, this story resonated with me because it proves that my God is first a God of redemption. Even though Rahab was a prostitute, he used her for his glory. He loves picking up the outcast, the underdog and showing them they are MORE than their present circumstances. He blessed her and used her because of her HEART. Moreover, it relieves me from worrying so much about what I am doing or not doing. On both sides of the coin, whether  I am being really "good and godly" or falling WAY short it doesn't matter! If my heart is in line and pursuing the Lord, the behaviors I want will come naturally.

"All our righteous acts are like filthy rags" - Isaiah 64:6

"...man looks at outward appearance, the Lord looks at the heart" - 1 Sam. 16:7

These verses jumped out at me this morning and my heart is so grateful that I am free from the law and legalism. He cares about my heart. He died for my heart and soul so that I can be FREE.

Not only did God use Rahab to protect the spies, she is also in the direct line of Christ. A broken, imperfect, immoral woman used to bring our Savior into the world. How humbling and amazing is that?

What is the thing from your past that you fear will keep you from God?
No matter what it is, the bondage that comes with that is broken by the cross. If I am a believer in Christ, the price has been paid and I am as free as I let myself be. The enemy wants me to be swallowed up by guilt and shame, but it ISN'T so with Jesus.

So This is the New Year

2012, whereeee did you go? I haven't taken the time to reflect on what all the past year has encompassed, but in brief, I'll try to lay it out..

1. Decide NOT go to to Vanderbilt, apply and go to Cornell
2. Graduate from Auburn
3. Move from auburn to greeneville to nashville to greeneville to kentucky to new york (gypsy year, all in 3 month time span)
4. Mom's stroke, August, 5 days before going to Cornell
5. Interning at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital
6. Going to random and rad concerts in Nashville
7. Living on my own for the first time
8. Financial independence
9. Get internship in DC for next summer!
10. Relationships: budded, bloomed, failed, some still hanging on


I go to bed tonight THANKFUL. Praising God for his provision, blessing, and protection when I do NOT deserve it. Thanking Him that He is THE Healer and will continue to be who he has been in the next year. Thank you Lord for your steadfastness, loyalty, and patience with me.

The old has gone, the new has come

[Above you will see a few of the things I need to survive. Not included but equally as important are live music, running, mountains, quiet mornings, my family and Jesus]

First post, new chapter, new start. Let's see where the Lord takes me.. until then, listen up and enjoy.